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By Kathy P. Behan

Believe it or not, Nancy Reagan was right. I’m not talking about her political views, or her spending habits, or — heaven knows — her child-rearing philosophy. What she happens to be right about is the slogan that she supposedly coined about drugs, “Just say no.” This is an important expression for all of us to remember, and use, not only when it comes to drugs, but to many other aspects of our lives as well.

I perfected my use of this word after becoming a mother, but I learned the hard way. It probably began with a freelance writing assignment that I accepted when my first child was just one month old. For many reasons, this was not a good idea. For starters, I was so sleep-deprived I could barely remember my own name, much less how to coherently string words together. And because as any parent knows, one-month-olds don’t have schedules, I couldn’t plan when to conduct interviews and write. However, I gamely attempted to work on the magazine article while my infant slept.

The crisis came when a half-hour into a telephone interview with a nationally renowned doctor, my son woke up and wanted to nurse. I asked the doctor to please hold for a second, quickly got my baby, reorganized my tape recorder and notes, and began nursing my son. All was proceeding splendidly until Cullen spit up on the tape recorder, and shorted it out. Fighting back tears, I brokenly explained to the doctor what had happened.

“Calm down and take care of your son. I’ve got seven kids of my own, so believe me, I know what you’re going through,” he kindly replied.

I pulled myself together, finished feeding Cullen, put him down for a nap, and then continued with the interview. As a side note, the article turned out really well, especially under the circumstances.

When trying to work on that assignment, and simultaneously take care of my baby, it dawned on me that life wasn’t going to proceed as before, and that something had to give. What “gave” turned out to be a lot of what gave me pleasure and satisfaction — my career ambitions, regular exercise routines, and just plain free time. But I realized that the best way to take care of my child, and myself meant reprioritizing and streamlining life. Hence, my true introduction to the “n” word.

In the beginning, saying no didn’t come easy. I wanted to please everyone, and to prove to myself that just because I was a mom, I could also handle lots of other responsibilities as well. Learning to juggle motherhood, working, a husband, friends and running a home was no easy trick, but I was determined not to let any of these “balls” drop. Consequently, I developed sleep problems, an upset stomach and a mean eye twitch.

It was hard to admit that just as I couldn’t have it all, I also realized that I couldn’t do it all. Even though saying yes is initially much easier, in the long run it’s often a time-consuming, frustrating and demoralizing mistake. So that’s why I decided to change.

After awhile, I must admit that I got pretty good at turning down requests. No, I couldn’t take on another writing assignment until my child was older. No, I wouldn’t be able to make a deadline that had been moved up. No, I couldn’t be at a friend’s house an hour earlier.

Yes, I still have occasional pangs of guilt, but no became the word that preserved my sanity, sense of control and well-being. This word continues to come in handy, and I probably use it now more than ever.

With all the demands on our time these days from children to charitable organizations, we can’t possibly do everything requested of us. So the next time someone asks you to add just one more item to your already full plate, instead of going crazy, losing sleep and living in a pressure cooker, take Nancy’s and my advice — just say no!

Kathy P. Behan, a mother of three, is a nationally published free-lance writer, specializing in health and family issues.

By Kathy P. Behan

As we all know, there are many ups and downs of motherhood. Chances are, you can probably rattle off a lot of each in a flash. However, there are probably some unexpected benefits you may not have considered. Here’s a list of some of my favorites:

Auto-rock. What do you do while you’re standing in line with a small child in your arms? Bingo! The obligatory parental sway. I find that even if I’m alone, I catch myself rhythmically rocking back and forth. This swaying motion is not only soothing to small semi-savage beasts, but it’s good exercise as well.

Extrasensory hearing. Even in a large gathering, most mothers can not only hone in on their child’s crying, but they can also determine the exact nature of the wail. They can tell if the child is: (a) frustrated, (b) annoyed, (c) tired, or (d) has just been smashed by little, though highly-aggressive, cousin Max.

An acceptance, and even a welcoming of bodily functions. Soon after becoming a mother, my older sister found herself patting a business associate’s back and exclaiming, “Good for you!” after he inadvertently burped during a business lunch. Mothers are also highly skilled toilet-training cheerleaders. They enthusiastically encourage their children to “perform” on the potty.

Strong stomach. After changing a zillion diapers, wiping countless runny noses, and cleaning up after a host of stomach bugs, a mom gets tough. For instance, her appetite is barely diminished even after her youngster weaves through a crowd to find her and deposit a piece of regurgitated chicken into her hand.

“MD” – Mother’s Diagnosis. Moms have the uncanny knack of being able to tell if their children are sick just by looking at them. Even more remarkable, a mom can determine whether her offspring has a fever simply by looking into his/her eyes.

Perform multiple tasks simultaneously. This is where moms really shine. As a matter of fact, I don’t think I know any mothers who only tackle one job at a time. On any given day, the moms of America are able to cook dinner, set the table, answer the phone, referee arguments, review the following day’s schedule, make lunches, and clean up, all at once, without missing a beat.

Magical kisses. Mothers have the power to take the sting out of physical and psychological bruises with just a kiss. These aren’t ordinary kisses though. They contain a soothing combination of love, support, and understanding.

Awakens instantly. Unlike fathers, who tend to be incoherent for a full 15 minutes after being awakened from a sound sleep, and then stammer inanities like, “I’m up, I’m up.” Mothers are alert as soon as they’re roused. They can quickly ascertain who’s upset, what the problem is, and what to do about it, long before the average father has even figured out where he is.

Large love capacity. Contrary to mathematical principles, the more children you have, the more love there is to go around. A mom never runs out, she has plenty for everyone. Plus, each child is her favorite. She cares for them all equally, but differently. And the love she has for her children is unconditional and everlasting.

Kathy P. Behan, a mother of three, is a nationally published freelance writer specializing in health and family issues.  

“Deciding to breastfeed is an extremely complicated and personal decision,” says Greenspan. “It requires thought, feelings, behaviors and taking a family’s history into account. It’s also not for everyone.”

Many women choose to bottle feed for a variety of very sound reasons. Some need to go back to work and find bottle feeding easier. Others feel that after nine months of pregnancy they want, as one mother put it, her “body back.”

“The idea of being tied, 24 hours a day to a baby really bothered me,” explained a mother of two. “I needed more space. It was really important to me to be a good mother but to also preserve myself in the process.”

Other mothers may be squeamish about the idea of nursing, and embarrassed about the prospect of doing something so private in public.

“I knew I wouldn’t feel comfortable feeding my baby in front of other people,” says Patty Hanchett, 35. “But I also didn’t like the idea of leaving the room every time my child wanted to eat.”

Adds Barbara Eriss, the mother of a 6-year-old son and a 4-year-old daughter, “I liked being able to see how much milk my babies were drinking, and to have their father participate in the feeding process.”

Even if a logical explanation is given about why a woman opted to bottle feed, chances are it makes little difference to some breastfeeding zealots.

“When I switched to bottle feeding, women would often come up to me and ask me why,” says MaryAnn Long, a mother of two. “I’d oversimplify the reasons and not try to explain what really happened. That’s because I found that people weren’t interested in understanding my motives, they were only interested in expressing their own disapproval.”

Even though there are strong arguments in favor of breastfeeding it still doesn’t mean it’s right for all women. But part of winning a motherhood contest means making everyone do things the right way — meaning your way. Explains Long, “Everybody has the idea that the way they do something is the only way. They’re often not open to other viewpoints.”

Problems arise when women who are perceived to be doing things “wrong” are made to feel guilty and defensive. “I noticed that when I was bottle feeding I got much more of a reaction than I did for nursing,” says Kessler. “People would look at me as if to say, ‘Why are you giving your baby a bottle. You’re right here, why don’t you nurse her?’ I often felt as if I had to give an explanation of why I was bottle feeding my child.”

Vulnerable to criticism

Mothers are particularly vulnerable to negative comments because they’re so anxious to do what’s best for their child. “New mothers especially are riddled with self-doubts,” believes Long. “You’re so concerned about doing the absolute best for your baby that you’re easy prey to any suggestions that you’re not doing things correctly.”

Plus, anxiety about motherhood often causes common sense and self-esteem to go on the fritz. That’s why implied or stated criticism can be so devastating, especially for women who have unsuccessfully tried nursing. They often feel like failures. Explains one mother, “Everybody talked about how natural breast feeding is. I don’t think that’s true, I think it’s a learned skill. I gave it up because it was so difficult for me, and I’m still guilty about it.”

Guilt may pressure women into nursing even if it makes them uncomfortable. “I breastfed my baby for all the wrong reasons,” explains one Sudbury, MA mother. “My husband really wanted me to breastfeed and so I did. Not surprisingly, I had a very rough time with it. I ended up not only resenting my husband, but my baby as well.”

Even when women are doing it “right” and opting to breastfeed, they may still be caught up in the motherhood competition. Some mothers boast about the length of time they nursed their kids, or about the richness or profusion of their milk. “I had all these born-again breastfeeders bragging to me about their milk supplies,” says Long. “They’d say things like, ‘My milk was so rich my baby only had to feed for five minutes on each side. It’s too bad your baby needs to nurse for 20 minutes. Your milk must be thin.'” Unfortunately, women like this feel compelled to bolster their own egos at the expense of everyone else’s.

When all is said and done, it’s important to realize that babies will actually turn out fine even if they’re formula fed. “Kids can thrive on formula milk as well,” says Ronald E. Kleinman, M.D., chairman of the committee on nutrition for the American Academy of Pediatrics and the chief of pediatric gastroenterology and nutrition at Massachusetts General Hospital. “We don’t want to scare mothers who prefer to bottle feed into thinking they’re harming their infants in some way. Formula milk is now quite similar to breast milk as far as nutrition is concerned.”

It’s time for mothers to put aside their differences and unite. After all, we’re sure more alike than we are different in the dreams, desires and love we have for our children. Adds Hill, “In our society, mothers of young children already receive too little support. There’s no extended family around and we’re a transient society. Frequently, the only support a mother gets is from other mothers. That’s why it’s so tragic. If a woman is made to feel guilty by other parents that often means she’s not receiving any support at all.”

Let’s focus on what we really want for our world. We want a healthy baby and a healthy mother, not only physically but emotionally as well. Whatever feeding method a couple selects to achieve this goal is the best way for that particular family.

So, lady in the grocery store, I’m sorry. Now if you can only give up smoking…

Kathy P. Behan, a mother of three, is a nationally published freelance writer, specializing in health and family issues.

 

Taryn winding up for her sporting debut

By Kathy P. Behan

After the relaxing days of summer, we’re now catapulted into the frenetic phase of fall. This is particularly traumatic for me because I love the summer. The weather’s good (for the most part), it’s nice having the kids around (usually), and I don’t have any work commitments (I always take these months off). So it is with great reluctance that I abandon my summer schedule (or lack thereof), and adopt a back-to-school routine. Along with getting used to the new bus and school schedules though, we also have to acclimate ourselves to our sons’ sports’ practices and games. Luckily our daughter is too young to enter this particular scheduling fray.

Even though these activities add a healthy and fun element to our kids’ lives, keeping track of them sure does muck up the kitchen calendar. It would probably take a hieroglyphics expert to be able to decipher all the notations in September alone!

As we all know, working out the logistics of who needs to go where and when, and equipped with what, is practically a full-time job. The process is complicated by the fact that car pool duty is only one of the many jobs that fall to parents, and they often have other kids in tow. Imagine how fascinating it is for siblings to watch hour-and-a-half long soccer and hockey practices. But I’m not complaining. Sports add an important dimension to kids’ lives. They learn many valuable lessons about sportsmanship, competition and team play.

Most of the time, I like what they’re learning — but not always. Unfortunately along with the good, kids are also exposed to the seedier side of sports. They’ve seen how petty and mean people can be. They’ve been taunted by their opponents, and occasionally, been teased by members of their own team for making a mistake. The worst part is that poor sportsmanship is not just relegated to children. At times, parental behavior runs the gamut from mere pettiness to outright cruelty.

At the petty end, there are hockey parents who actually time how long their kids are on the ice! Even though the coaches are trying their best to have all the players participate equally, some kids are inadvertently shortchanged.

If a child is “warming the bench” for an inordinate period of time on a regular basis, a parent certainly has every right to complain. But if, more likely, this is a one-shot deal, parents should realize that despite all the best intentions, this kind of thing happens.

Parents’ cruelty

Pettiness pales though, in comparison to the outright cruelty and stupidity of some parents. I’ve heard spectators yell, “Kill him!” at a player — an 8-year-old boy — on the opposing team. And watched in shock, as fathers insulted and jeered at a child who had just begun to play hockey. It’s bad enough for a youngster to be insulted by strangers, but it’s even more devastating when these comments come from their own parents.

“You must be so proud of John,” one father remarked to another in front of his own son. “He really knows how to play this game. Not like my klutzy kid.”

Obviously, parents aren’t perfect, and I know first-hand how the adrenalin can flow when you’re watching a game. But sheesh, have some control. Granted, I do a lot of yelling, but my comments are usually directed at my youngsters on the sidelines (“Stop doing that!” “Keep your hands to yourself!” “Get off the field!”), not at my child playing in the game.

I try my best not to talk to my “player” until after the game is over. I do this because: (a) I frankly don’t know a heck of a lot about the rules of most sports and (b) I figure that’s what the coaches are for.

Unfortunately, a lot of other people don’t agree. They consider themselves self-appointed experts, giving their sons and daughters, teammates, and coaches an earful at any and every opportunity. Luckily, their comments, though poorly timed, are often innocuous, but this isn’t always the case. Occasionally a parent gets carried away. One father, incensed that his son’s team had lost yet another game, got into a shouting, cursing argument with a coach in front of his son, and most of the team.

And then there was the father who stood up in the stands and yelled for his son to disregard what the coach had told him and to play “center” instead of the defensive position he had been assigned. The result? Besides setting a shockingly poor example, these dopes may also end up discouraging some kids from continuing to play a sport, and may keep some really good people from becoming — or continuing to be — coaches. After all, who wants to deal with these lunatics?

Speaking of coaches, all too often, we take good coaches for granted. We don’t give them enough thanks and support. They usually have full-time jobs, and family commitments, yet they generously give up their free time. They try their best to do right by our children, trying to teach and motivate them. With a few well-chosen words, they have the ability to make every child feel great about themselves. The time, effort, energy and expertise that they willingly expend on our children’s behalf should be gratefully, and not critically received.

So coaches, thank you, and I’ll try not to yell so loudly on the sidelines.

Kathy P. Behan, a mother of three, is a nationally published freelance writer, specializing in health and family issues.

Cullen waiting for the bus with his brother, Brendan, on his first day of school

BY KATHY P. BEHAN

It’s that time again. Time for a new school year and all the attendant preparations, activities, joys and trials that this entails. September is such a bittersweet month for me. It signals the close of my favorite season, and the freedom that it represents. On the positive and negative side, it quiets the what-are-we-gonna-do-today chorus from my kids. Their days will be structured by school and sports, I’ll just be required to fill in the not-too-frequent blanks.

My oldest child is entering first grade, and unlike him, I’m not sure I’m ready for this. After all, kindergarten is just like preschool — except it’s shorter — while first grade is, well, real school.

On his part, Cullen’s really looking forward to it. He’s psyched to set off on his own and get his first true taste of what school is all about. Even though I’m torn about his long day, Cullen thinks it’ll be great. He views the increased hours as an opportunity to spend more time at a place that excites and challenges him. He even views the bus ride (40 minutes each way) and the mandatory bullies that inhabit every bus with calm acceptance.

His mother is not so relaxed or lighthearted. I’m actually functioning in the maudlin-mother-mode. I keep picturing him as a chubby and adorable baby, and I wonder how he was ever able to grow up so fast and so well without my really noticing.

Wait a second here. I’m getting carried away again. The kid’s only 6 for heaven’s sake, it’s not like he’s getting ready to leave for college (just imagine what kind of shape I’ll be in then). But this year does signal the end of educational easy street. Not only will he be at school for a full day, he’ll also be required to learn to read and write in earnest. As if the three “R’s” aren’t enough, he’ll have to stay in his seat for long periods of time as well.

It’s been almost three weeks now and so far so good. Cullen seems up to the challenges, coming home excited and brimming over with stories of school.

He’s not the only one learning, though. His mother is being taught some valuable lessons too. I’ve learned how hard it is to watch your children grow and start their own journey through life. You can’t chart the way for them, telling them which direction to go and smoothing out the path. Also, I now truly know the meaning of the expression, “Time waits for no man” (or in my case, woman). Despite what we’re taught about the laws of physics, time is not a steady continuum — it stops and starts and clicks off years with either maddeningly slow deliberation or with dizzying rapidity.

Not convinced? Just think how fast it moves when it comes to your kids.

Kathy P. Behan, a mother of three, is a nationally published freelance writer, specializing in health and family issues.